Sunday, October 05, 2008
a man who i feared, strict with discipline; borderline abusive.
a man with few words; harsh and straight to the point.
the man who gave me my identity as the "accident kid" in my family.
the man who told me to my face that i wasn't good enough.
the man who never once affirmed me and said he was proud of me.
my father and i, a relationship i never knew had affected my whole life...till 2 nights ago,
when Pastor Mike Connel ministered to me during my church leaders' retreat.
memories and flash backs of my father threatening my life when i disrespected my parents appeared while i was filled with the holy spirit.
memories of Him expecting the least from me, speaking discouragements and mocking me of my studies and my future in the dining room reminded me of how i have became immune to his nasty comments.
i wasn't alone. my brother's identity was the weird kid with no friends just because he read too much. he was compared to a wild boar being the tougher son while i was the farm pig.
i realized that all these years, i've been trying to honor my father by being obedient and staying positive in all the situation i had experienced. it had affected me and caused me to harbor hate and bitterness when i never knew it had ever existed.
for me, it's not the words he had spoken to my life. it is the words which was never spoken to my life affecting me more. its a hole in my spirit only God can fill. i decided just the other night to let go and let God; forgiving my father and knowing i would never do the same to my child when i become a father.