In The Depths Of My Solitude

migrate

2008-11-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

everything will be exported to

http://victorishthoughts.wordpress.com
including posts from my first blog

Instead of a show (by Jon Foreman of Switchfoot)

2008-11-17T01:20:00.000-08:00

I hate all your show and pretense
The hypocrisy of your praise
The hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show
Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stomp on my ears when you're singing 'em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

Your eyes are closed when you're praying
You sing right along with the band
You shine up your shoes for services
There's blood on your hands
You turned your back on the homeless
And the ones that don't fit in your plan
Quit playing religion games
There's blood on your hands

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

Let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You'll be one of the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around
Give love to the ones who can't love at all
Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
Stand up for the ones who can't stand at all, all
I hate all your show
I hate all your show
I hate all your show
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show
I hate all your show.

Self:
exams are over, been busy doing holidays. came back from Langkawi, had a blast during Bob's 21st birthday house-party. will be leaving to S'pore for Asia Conference tomorrow.
currently listening to Jon Foreman, William Fitzsimmons, Priscilla Ahn, Joshua James (Jean's pick) and Laura Jensen. ow yea, Chinese Democracy by Guns n Roses is finally out!

my father

2008-10-05T04:55:00.000-07:00

a man who i feared, strict with discipline; borderline abusive.
a man with few words; harsh and straight to the point.

the man who gave me my identity as the "accident kid" in my family.
the man who told me to my face that i wasn't good enough.
the man who never once affirmed me and said he was proud of me.

my father and i, a relationship i never knew had affected my whole life...till 2 nights ago,
when Pastor Mike Connel ministered to me during my church leaders' retreat.

memories and flash backs of my father threatening my life when i disrespected my parents appeared while i was filled with the holy spirit.
memories of Him expecting the least from me, speaking discouragements and mocking me of my studies and my future in the dining room reminded me of how i have became immune to his nasty comments.

i wasn't alone. my brother's identity was the weird kid with no friends just because he read too much. he was compared to a wild boar being the tougher son while i was the farm pig.

i realized that all these years, i've been trying to honor my father by being obedient and staying positive in all the situation i had experienced. it had affected me and caused me to harbor hate and bitterness when i never knew it had ever existed.

for me, it's not the words he had spoken to my life. it is the words which was never spoken to my life affecting me more. its a hole in my spirit only God can fill. i decided just the other night to let go and let God; forgiving my father and knowing i would never do the same to my child when i become a father.

self

2008-09-26T21:36:00.002-07:00

i might be in love.
but then again, it might just be an idea,
a bloody good idea of being in love and having someone to love.

self

2008-09-21T22:25:00.000-07:00

Deepy: ow Man! i only got 7!
Me: huh, what?
VIvek: Treasury Management test result is out! outside Lecturer's room. I got 8 only...
Me: ow, out of 15? i hope i get more than 10, i have a good feeling about this test. i'm certain of it.

Outside Lecturer's office,
i was looking for my student id number among everyone's result in the database spreadsheet.
i found my student id, then i saw 6! this ... i wasn't prepared for. sigh
this is not new either. this sucks.

being 21

2008-09-21T01:43:00.000-07:00

its my 21st birthday just yesterday.
an eventful day indeed.
it wouldn't be fitting for me to describe how it feels like being 21 at this moment of time as i havent really experience the difference yet.

what i can say though, is...
i had a minor accident on my way to church yesterday.
yep, thats right. a flippin accident on my birthday. i'm not gonna spare the details as this has burdened me and i shall not make you guys too worried about me.
so to keep things simple, the accident involved me, a female motorcyclist, kids in my car, a huge bang, a post-accident X ray check up, a possible police report, and the actual Settlement of the whole drama which has yet to happen.

so yah. Happy Effin Birthday to Me. cheers.

self

2008-09-18T00:19:00.000-07:00

its a thursday again. just like any other. i find myself in my own space, something i've forgotten to enjoy recently.

my final exams will start at the end of Oct.
for the first time in my life, i actually fear failing.
non of that dare to fail attitude no more.

i plan to work- something i have neglected the past few years- before i graduate next mid-year.
an internship that would keep me occupied till march 09'.
However, big firms have this minimum requirement of 2nd upper results to have you in for an interview or to be accepted into their internship programs.

2nd upper is equivalent to an approximation of an average results of Distinction. mine barely touches average credit. i have less than a year to compensate for my past failures.

on a lighter note, i'm turning 21 in 2 days. no biggie. done all that it is to do when you turn 21 already...almost
:)

show some love 2

2008-09-11T11:02:00.001-07:00

i wrote a post on a certain Bangladeshi girl in my uni about a year ago.
her performance blew me away...so did her smile.

one year later, she still performs in my university- occasionally when there's events.
I've revealed myself to her being one of her biggest fans, she was flattered- i blushed.
and bam, we're friends now...though i doubt she knows my name. haha..
but yea, the smile i get when i walk pass her makes the world seem like a better place. jokes.

her name's Palki. her version of cranberries' animal instinct remixed with her Bangladeshi song still melts my heart. i wished i had a video of that performance. however, what i do have is a picture taken with her at my uni's recent ball :)

thursdays

2008-09-04T04:41:00.000-07:00

i hate thursdays.

monday ends with me hanging out with Angie, Yung Lin and Lina having the usual study group where i don't mind being left out as the only business student as the company matters more.

tuesday ends with me having dinner with my LEO Club members after either LEO Club general meeting or Board of Directors meeting.

wednesday ends with me having dinner with my Christian Fellowship members after our weekly gathering.

Friday ends with me having supper with my Cell Group members after CG.

thursdays, i'm free...and alone, sigh

to whom it may concern

2008-08-23T18:52:00.003-07:00

your prayers were not wasted.
your efforts were appreciated.
your words never fail me.
your life, such a blessing to me.
your birthday, I can't seem to forget. damn it.
but yea; our friendship, I truly cherish.

thank you for everything.

self

2008-08-21T09:38:00.001-07:00

solitude trump company today.

no reasons needed.

i'll be fine. i doubt. i hope. but i doubt. more. no reasons needed.

honesty

2008-08-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

They say "familiarity breeds contempt"...
well, i use this phrase all the time.
probably because of the observations i make, the justified assumptions, hence the cynicism towards those who are closeR to me.

However at times, that 'familiarity' does count for something.

Just the other day i had a conversation with my Christian Fellowship committee;

i was ranting :
ow, from now on, the posters that we've prepared can't be directly approved by me anymore. Kenny (C&S Division Publicity officer) actually minds that we (the CF) have exception for the approval of our weekly meetings. He insist on us giving him the details of the upcoming events as well as having our posters going through him first.

Rachel ( CF's publicity officer) then said " EH? How Come?! can i have his number please?"

-knowing Rachel was a girl who took no nonsense and having the guts to say whatever needed to be said-

I responded "Eh?don't lar, I just gave him a piece of my mind too... don't have to make things.."
Rachel said "? why? i just wanted to see him coz you said the posters need to go through him first, no?"

later that morning, Rachel approached me saying
" i feel sad, i feel that it's not fair to me that you have this perception of me where i could actually just call someone and slam that person".

i was left speechless, literally after hearing her tell me this.
I apologized to her and told her that i did not do it intentionally and didn't realize what i actually implied. She was nice, she ironically told me that she just had to say what was needed to be said.

i appreciate such honesty. this actually left me wondering how many person i have offended unintentionally or how many foes i have made just because of the assumptions i made on that person.

bittersweet

2008-07-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

a day after i found out about my result, i went to my course management office for advice on how to deal with my results and also about the details on whether i could apply for a 'Near Pass' for my failed subject.

if you guys didn't already know, dealing with the course management advisers is just not advisable;
they are rude, snobbish and very 'Monash'.

[situation]

Me: Hey, i would like to apply for a NP for one of subject... how do i go about doing that?
Lady: you must be in your final semester to apply for a NP. if you're enrolled before 08', you can apply NP for 2 subjects.

Me: ah, meaning before i graduate and if this 1 subject is stopping me from graduating...only i apply?
Lady: Yes, only after you get your final finals result...its actually printed on that notice over there *points over the notice board in the office*

Me: *jokingly* wah, so much words.
Lady: That...is call lazy. *not a smile*

friend1: meaning what? we cannot apply now?
Lady: Its online. you can read from there...

friend2: hmm, what do i need when i apply?
Lady: Everything is online! i know playing online games are fun and all...but...

---This is where i stopped the lady's unnecessary sarcarsm---

Me: Eh! can you learn abit of patience when dealing with the students?!
*continues with an aggresive tone*
We come to you guys for assistance...*stutters*..Can you not talk like that to us?!
I then mumbled "You Are Paid to Talk to the students!" before i stomped out from the room.

Honestly, it felt great giving the Monash course management adviser a piece of my mind. But more importantly, i felt great that i have toned down my aggression. I said what was needed to be said without cursing or saying things like " If all i need is a reminder that i can get the information online, just put up a notice and stop pretending being useful in front of me"...

but just realized that i need to go through them to apply my NP in the future.

shit.

Self

2008-07-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

God was right.

i'll be fine.

self ( more reflections from camp)

2008-07-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

i am contented.

the speaker of the camp challenged us the write down the epitaph of our future tombstones to represent what we've achieved so far /how we lived our lives or what we expect to achieve in the future.

the typical epitaph would be "he lived a fulfilling life, great husband to xxx, loving father to xx1 and xx2" and stuff like that which you would expect to summarize a person's life.

mine would probably be " He did not die a virgin "
jokes;

back to all seriousness, i wrote in my grave that i'd one more year to live.
anticipating my death at 2009, i had the chance to reflect on what i could have done differently such as the unspoke words or my past mistakes.

honestly, i wouldn't change a thing. i was always a generous and genuine friend; i was always an honest son to my parent; loving brother to my siblings; servant to God; an impact to few lives. but for now, that is probably... "enough". i take comfort in knowing that i've lived my life this way; and all my effort spent on my priorities were 'worth it'.

(other thoughts)
results are out in less than 24 hours time. God has been telling me that "it is fine to fail", so yea... i am kinda ready to accept whatever that comes my way. was i not just saying that i'm okay with dying next year? results shouldn't matter! haha... as if.

life goes on. sigh

MCF Camp 2008

2008-07-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

Self (one of my many reflections from camp)

2008-07-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

Christine Lean,
you are my sweetest downfall;
the only reason why i can still put a face into your name is because i used to loathe you.

you were the girl who broke my spirit;
you were the girl who showed me that i wasn't good enough and hard work does not always pay off;
you were a great leader who once earned my respect;

you were beautiful, often a distraction to me;
i actually thought i was your favourite once; a 'self imposed'- false hope i suppose.

but after being on probation for a few months being on duty in SALC (English Language Centre) during my form 1 days, you picked the suck ups instead of me.

i always thought that was a bias decision. i ended up quiting when i had a chance to continue being on probation.
things haven't really changed much ever since.

i flight in situations whenever there are barriers i cannot handle.
i bitter-ly hold grudges on leaders who lacks integrity.
the equation of hard work equal success no longer existed, my efforts and my time seem pointless at times.

after reflecting on the significant events that took place in my life and how it has affected me till today,
i choose to forgive you Christine,
i has been too long and i think its about time i let go.
by the grace of God, i AM good enough.

petty matters

2008-06-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

a note was left on my car.
it said " can pack your car behind abit? "

i returned the favor by leaving another note at the person's car saying
"its spelled park, dumb Fu.."

Fine, i did not leave that note.
but the note i got from my car affected my mood.
something so petty! and i park in my own place! and its spelled park! retard!

Story of my life

2008-06-05T22:39:00.000-07:00

the responsibilities and the people i surround myself with. most of the time.

LEO Club

Christian Fellowship

CF Committees and Advisors

Clubs & Societies Division Committee
Cell Group
My Family

and ow... University.. oops. lol

Car-less

2008-06-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

Ahh...June...
the month My sister was born,
the month we celebrate the existence of our dads,
the month i experienced my first car accident. last year's fathers day; to be exact.

This year, June has started off with a familiar tone ...
I was studying at McDonalds Drive through at SS15 last night, we (some uni mates) decided to stop at approximately 4.30am and head to bed. Guess what, i found my car window shattered and broke into; with only my gym bag missing.

it wasn't worth it. the gym bag had nothing but some dirty clothes and some unimportant stuff with the exception of my new addidas deodorant. dang it. But yeah,

i find my self really calm. it was as if i had no strength left in me to express my disbelief and frustration at that point of time. I believe it was truly the God given peace in my heart and trust in God that left me unaffected after the incident.

Vacuumed my car this morning and brought my car to Perodua Service Centre . I consider it as settled. its a small loss on my part. but a big improvement in my attitude of taking constant shit in my life. A few years in KL, i know people... and i know people that i can trust and are willing to help. So yea, no worries.

Compared to last year's accident,
this happened after Church Service, there was no minors in my car, there was no arguments involved, there was no police report needed and it definitely cost a lot lesser. So ya, Thank God for that.

about a girl

2008-05-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read. Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass,
and I long for this mirrored perspective
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

"I will possess your heart" by Death Cab for Cutie.

Retreat

2008-05-21T23:35:00.000-07:00

droved up to Frasier's Hill last weekend for Shirley's sub-zone leaders' retreat.
first things first, thank God for journey mercy. despite the 'infinite' winding roads, we reached without anyone feeling too unwell. it's a milestone for me as well having first time participated in a 'convoy' or actually driving in any other long distance road trip.

Got to meet most of shirley's subzone's cell leaders as well as interns. i feel left out to be part of that group... to be mentioned at the same breathe with Shirley, its my honor as i was never under her nor have yet to speak with her before this retreat.

This is my 2nd trip to Frasier's Hill in a month as i just went there with some of my LEO club members. However, This time around... something in me just tells me that i couldn't miss out on the trip. Compared to a simple bbq and 'ghost stories' session after dinner from my previous trip,I expected God's touch and a time of refreshing from this..this had to be more 'purposeful'.

the retreat was awesome. Overwhelmed with the time spent with God and overjoyed with the new people i got to spend time with... it was really great. i'm actually lost for words at the moment...but i'm no longer emo- at least for now. :)

some pics maybe?

God is enough

2008-05-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

from the Seeker bible study ( bible study with my Christian fellowship)
John 20:1-31 basically talks about the end of doubt;
Jesus' whole ministry and purpose on earth was in doubt and seemed like a lost cause after his death. However, He returned and gave peace to His disciples. Moreover, His resurrection meant that we now have a direct relationship with him and more importantly with our Father (v17).

John20:30-31 emphasized on the 2 main characteristics of a true disciples.

30Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. 31But these are written that you may^[a] believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.

believing is not enough...
having life in his name means having Eternal Life...
Eternal life doesn't begin at the end of one's life, it starts the second you give your life to Him and Eternal life means knowing Him. Hence, having a relationship with him.

just something to share...
feels great to be know Him and to be known by Him.

self

2008-05-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

it does seem like i was on hiatus for awhile now, lack of updates are probably due to my hectic and unhealthy lifestyle. Besides, whatever i'm going through at the moment is beyond my understanding. no point going into deep thoughts...

recently, i find any justification of anything in any circumstances to be utter bullocks.
i missed cell group because i fear that i would not have enough time to finish my LEO club's task, but i justified my absence by being 'busy' and having to stay back late in uni as well as staying up late to do what i HAD to do. so yea, i CHOSE to miss cell group to do what i HAD to do. biggest mistake ever.

just the other day, i was trying to make up my mind on to whether to go for my 9am replacement class, help out my friend in a foosball tournament and going to church for Pastor Kong Hee's service. Guess what, i actually decided to help out my friend in that ridiculous game.
Luckily Gladys (cell member) put some senses into my head and straight out told me "you're missing church for -that-?!" ...

on my way to Asia Cafe, Yasir (another friend that have decided to help out in that event) told me " you're gonna skip class for -this-!?" ...

damn! what was i thinking!? i hate foosball... and i hate class! haha, no...but it was a class that i would actually end up staying in bed anyways. hence, i went church.

Justification? because i WANTED to! simple eh?

CURRENTLY, dealing with friends who are desperate to go church but not desperate to know God. i'm taking it as a ministry. i have to. God knows what i'll say to the person who's willing to miss church just because i insisted that we should go earlier to get better seats. God knows how i'll even respond the next time when she comes to me for advice or even council regarding her so called faith. i don't need this. God help me. she actually remind me of old-self...
this-is-bad.

life is good

2008-04-05T20:48:00.000-07:00

life has been good.
cell group is becoming more and more like a family.
something i had an expectation for as well as longed for ever since i came to KL.
a place where i feel loved and accepted, a place where i feel comfortable to express myself, my struggles, my passion and my thoughts.

life could be better,
it's a period for me to stretch my faith... that's never too fun.
a time where i have to re-prioritize, re-evaluate my life and the purpose of everything i do.
but hey, after every long week of settling the C&S division matters, discussing LEO club's never ending proposed activities and experiencing tears of boredom in dreadful lectures...
i find peace and rest in cell as well as Christian Fellowship for that matter.

hmm, CF this year for me is not as smooth as the past semesters.
for once i have decided to put it on top of my priorities list, the C&S division secretary position is given to me, LEO club committee meetings clashing with CF and i'm fearing i'd have another year of not being able to get to know new members. i remember i used to usher during CF and had to rush for cell before CF ends.. sort of a dejavu here because of the hectic schedule i have. hopefully it would slow down in the next few weeks.

but God is good. the responsibilities does not end here... ow... updates soon.

Prosperity Gospel

2008-03-10T18:31:00.001-07:00

proud believer..? definitely not.
there's more to life ... i know that.
but i'm healthy and emotionally stable.
what i need now is financial blessing, and that's what i'll pray for. isn't that how prayer works?
asked and you shall receive? give and it shall be given?

I'm from City Harvest... a church that saved more souls than any other churches i know of, yet it gets critisized the most often too.
i know we're loud, we're passionate, we're cultured, we're rich...but that's only because we worship an awesome God that deserves only our best. no?

well, i've pledged RM1,500 to the building fund 4 months ago and will be fulfilling the whole amount by this week. Guess what, i've already received back from the open gates of heaven 2 folds of what i've pledged. hah! All glory goes to God.

besides receiving a big fat red packet from my dad during the Chinese New Year, my mom just got me a semi-pro camera which i longed for since long long time ago. well, i should a have review for it soon. =)

for now, just know that Vic is extremely busy... and extremely blessed. and still Big.

cheers

The Mist

2008-03-02T00:27:00.000-08:00

one of the Sickest and most messed up show i have ever watched in my life.

and boy, am i happy to say that i watched it in a cinema filled with equally-"enthusiastic and lively"crowd.

the crowd was clapping, yelling, cheering and WTF-ing out loud during the entire show; me likey!

Stephen King is an Ass for writing this story.... but damn, a genius at the same time too =P

but here's a surprising fact, for such a B-grade movie lookalike...you wouldn't have guessed that the director of the mist directed shawshank redemption and green mile too.

sigh, why do i appreciate messed-up-ness?!

self

2008-02-27T23:48:00.000-08:00

okay, better start updating from now on... if not i'll just leave it be...
coz most of my blog readers are pretty secretive about whether they read my blog or not./

hopefully i don't compromise or keep stuff to myself just because some of my church leaders may also read my posts ... even the ones that i slammed them.

well, being a member of City Harvest Church hasn't been easy.
far too many criticism from Christians... way beyond my control and far from what i can handle.

but i have made my decision to stay faithful, one again.

however, recently heard a song by Casting Crowns' what the world needs...
and one part it talks about us; Christian being no different from the non believers and we forget that the it is that DIFFERENCE that sets them free. so yea, however relevant the church expects us to be... we must know God first, know His plans. no point knowing and being SO "In the world" and try to fit God into the picture.

need a new bible. mine's all torn. shall update soon.
as for now, new semester has begun. its gonna be great.

day before semester start

2008-02-24T00:31:00.000-08:00

hm, its been 2 weeks since i came back from Tawau and post something here,
well... how do i even begin.

i've been catching up with some friends that came back from Melb and left again as well as those who just left (ie: movies, meals and over msn- bah);
as the secretary of the CnS division, i've been busy with some CnS matters especially the upcoming Clubs and Societies Week in campus;
i've been involved with Monash's orientation Buddy program (best experience ever)...
and yea, its been an eventful 2 weeks so far.

not sure what to blog... the connection hasn't been great. but ya, as long as you guys know that i'm still alive :)

opportunity cost

2008-02-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

the cost of forgoing the next best alternative...
tonight cost me, big time.

today was supposed to be THE day for me to actually want to be back in Tawau.
if there was no other reasons for me to come back to Sabah, this alone should be worth it.
Angela's open house during CNY, it's an "event" for me. an expected gathering, sort of.

so yea, made no other plans but to visit her place, chill and hopefully get to catch up with her.
some friends of mine decided to crash at her place earlier than planned to give her a surprise...
i thought it was a perfect idea as it would definitely be impossible to chat with her when/if the crowd starts to pour in. having said that, i'm not too fond of "some" of the crowd...people that i try to avoid if ever possible.

hence, i decided that spending a few hours with Angela would suffice and could probably join my brother and his friends for a show.

plans didn't go as i expected. apparently the "surprise" was called off. the last minute change of plans was that me and my friends will visit 2 other friend's place before going to angela's house.
i skipped the 2nd house but still only managed to chat with her for a few moments and went to watch the movie.

yes, it was a good show. yes, i didn't encounter whoever i didn't want to encounter...
but No, i know Angela deserves better. and i would rather spend quality time and catch up with her anytime. so i feel bad as i'm not going to meet up with her anytime soon.

coming back to Tawau this time around has been great. its not very me to actually enjoy my stay but damn, i'll miss the food and my friends.

eventful new year's eve

2008-02-06T09:38:00.000-08:00

home sweet home...
just arrived Tawau not too long ago, smooth flight indeed.

dinner was awesome despite the small reunion of just us 5.
we had salad prawn, hakka yam and pork, herbal chicken, roasted duck and vege. good stuff...

after dinner, we hung around the living room.
and all of a sudden... THIS happened.

[situation]
Dad just got off the phone with my grandmother,
he passes the phone to my sis to speak with her while i wait for my turn by watching tv.

then...
my dad shouted out "Fire!"
my sis echoed "Fire?"... my grandmother on the other side of the line asked " Fire!?"
my dad then told us that "Look! some House is on fire"..
he then pushed the tinted doors wide open as we rushed out to our apartment's balcony.
we saw huge fires and large smokes, heard the siren of the fire trucks and literally witnessed a house burnt down.

the irony! if this was caused by fireworks. its a pretty sad sight lar, i really hope that no one was hurt. havin' said that, i still have to wish everyone a happy chinese new year.

cheers to love, joy and great health and wealth.

self

2008-01-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

funny; how it takes only one person to change another's definition of beauty.
not so funny; how it takes that same one person to make another's world crumble.

goodbye seems to be harder word to say.

prayer request

2008-01-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

this, i seldom do.
but i think that i ran out of options...
i experienced food poisoning last friday and ever since, it has gotten worst.
i still don't know what the cause was. because it was homecooked food and both my parents were fine. from diarrhea to fever to headache then back to diarrhea.

so yea, i'm physically drained (afraid to say, quite literally) and definitely could do better if you had to ask a rhetorical questions such as how am i doing.

do keep me in prayer guys.

savings..

2008-01-15T21:53:00.001-08:00

when i came back to Tawau, i had to update one of my savings account which i didn't activate since i registered for that kid's savings account. to my surprise, 20 years of my life's savings could be enough to save my life 'ONE day' if i ever need it.

Savings... everyone has it. and most people know what they want to do with it.
based on my experience with the people i've encountered...
the most popular reason for a guy to save up is to spend it on the modification of their cars.
for a girl, the most popular reason to save up is probably spending it during times of need...such as an unexpected sales ...imagine how helpless some may get.
some people ... well, SOME may even have plans to invest...

well, i just realized what i'm going to do with it. i'm going to save it all up to heal my own eyes.
thats right, all that savings... ALL will go into the laser surgery... well, better than having all that cash but blind. i just bought a new specs, might be my 22nd... who knows really. i lost count. wore 'em since i was 8 and changed 'em VERY constantly since; they had their reasons for calling me the Accident Boy.
but i know... one day... one day i'll be able to wake up with perfect vision not having to find my glasses or break one every few months.

home

2008-01-11T07:37:00.000-08:00

its been almost 5 days now ...since i came back to Tawau.
been spending time with my parents and my best friend Josh.
bumped into Angela. it truly made my day. not the first time we were in the same place unplanned
food hasn't been fantastic. haven't started my food hunt.
it shall begin tomorrow =D

self

2008-01-11T06:52:00.000-08:00

have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
i have ...not, but sure felt like it just now; when i was in a room with some old friends.
such a sad ending where we were once so close with one another and everything was great.

church politics... petty matters that breaks the unity between elders. who bears the burden?
its us, the kids of the elders. we don't meet each other as often and there's a barrier between us, a sense of discomfort whenever we encounter each other. a mutual understanding that shit happened between our parents but we can continue being friends... just not too close.
its a lousy feeling.

today, i joined a friend's cell group in my hometown. so happened that the children of all those that left my local church was there. THE HORROR. how was i supposed to know?! i knew they were in that particular church... but to be in the same cell... this was not what i had in mind! we still talked... small talked. but i felt like shit lar. here i am, visiting their church's cell when they left mine. what are they gonna think? i'm really leaving this up to God.

i still tell myself, in the end.. its all for the glorification of the kingdom of God. churches... it shouldn't matter. it really shouldn't. damn church politics.

2007

2007-12-30T19:23:00.000-08:00

THE year of my life. i think

it has past pretty quickly, but to think back and reflect...it has been a pretty long year.

it started out pretty roughly as i said goodbye to a flippin awesome year in Victoria University, Sunway and had a new start in Monash University.
at the beginning, the new standards or new friends i made was really nothing to brag about. it was melancholic semester for me. in the second semester, i took less subjects and went all nuts about getting more involved in the clubs and societies stuff. i was a vice funding director for LEO Club Monash, i was in the Christian Fellowship, Business Club and Expression Club. Hence, the exposure to getting to know more people and make more friends.

I truly bonded with some of the LEO Club members through some of the activities such as painting PAWS and another orphanage, conducting various campaigns as well as events.

Christian Fellowship was a blessing to me throughout as i got to bond with some really genuine and caring brothers and sisters. we'd studied together, prayed together, ate together, went outings...best times of my campus life in Monash M'sia so far.

Besides the uni transfer, this year is significant to me because i conquered my fear of driving and made the decision to join a gym. those major breakthroughs in my life i believe.

despite having crash my new car once already, i'm more confident than i ever had and i'm not sure whether i look better now... but it sure does feel Good.

will probably post up some pics. not too sure what else to post up here.

self

2007-12-30T19:09:00.000-08:00

well, i'm back... Bangkok trip was good...not great. didnn't expect much out of the trip since the beginning.

my grandmother (mother's side) joined us. that just seemed akward to me because we never travelled together as a family and i was never close to her since i was young.

and to make matters even weirder, my brother's girl friend was invited to the trip as well. i sound like an ass (as always)... but come on, i barely know her. my parents met her once or twice and now she's included in a family trip with us together with my grandmom? i just didn't feel comfortable with the whole situation. call me selfish, but what am i expected to do?

in the end, i was not proven wrong. the family trip turn out to be a trip for the lovebirds (nothing wrong with that), just that they were in a world of their own... grandmom was neglected most of the time... i didn't want to bother with anything...so yea, that pretty much sums up my trip despite shopping craze, fantastic entertainment through out as well as the awesome food. all these means nothing when even the simplest thing like spending quality time with my family for once can't be experienced in a freakin 'family trip'.

self

2007-12-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

Thailand... such a warm and friendly country.
food is awesome, places for tourist are endless...

but before i review my 'heavenly' trip which has not even ended,

i am currently in a state of rage. for a good reason...i would say.
i'm staying in Pattaya's Century Hotel. the wi-fi internet service they charge are 100 baht (equiliavent to RM10) for an hour plus. yep, that's like 5 times more than the usual amount charged in...anywhere!

my dad wouldn't let me go out from the hotel to the nearby shops, hence the willingness to pay for that crazy price.
SO, i got the 100Baht wi-fi prepaid card. scratch off the id number and the numbers appeared and faded off as i continued scratching. the blooding card was torn! ... i can't afford to throw away RM10 on a flipping card!

i went to the cashier, tried to change for another card. She refused. her colleague refused. i'm now pissed. i won't back down. i just won't. this wasn't even my choice. i kept pushing. "FINE! I'll Wait for your Manager!" i told off the girl.
now i'm really pissed. i told off the colleague, " I paid 100B for an internet service, not a card. if the card is bad, change it! i paid for the service!" he still refused. now i feel helpless. Screw it and screw Pattaya Century Hotel's staffs. Now, i'm at the shop outside the hotel without my dad's knowledge. with the internet being charged 4 times cheaper i might add.

i can take the blame for not seeing clearly that the numbers appeared and kept scratching the card.
i could blame my dad for being stubborn and not trusting me enough...
i could blame my bro for giving me the room keys and going out to somewhere else from wherever he told me he was supposed to be...i knew it!...
or i could just write a 'self-comforting bitch mode-post' on the hotel staff; screw'em

it's been such a long day.
started out breakfast at 7am , then chilling at Pattaya's famous beach, then lunch, then some flower show/ elephant/ cultural show thingy/ then dinner then the ah gua show. now this. sigh.

Seremban

2007-12-19T20:34:00.000-08:00

a short trip. but, boi! what a trip.
the Monash Christian Fellowship Committee had a planning retreat at STM, Seremban on the 17th to 19th DEC

it was a brand new experience for me as this was my first 'planning retreat' where the committees and advisers brain storm to come up with ideas for the theme, topics, speakers, KG structure and other activities which aligns with God's will for the CF for the whole of next semester.

it was quality time well spent with my fellow committees, advisers and especially God.

i will be juggling loads of commitments in the coming semester but i will have to set my priorities and let down some of my current responsibilities. we shall see how thing goes.

off to bangkok in 4 hours time. let the countdown begin! yeah!
cheers ppl. merry christmas!

self

2007-12-11T17:53:00.000-08:00

i just purchased a L- sized t and a size 36 pants.
why do i sense total silence? a subtle sympathy and a whole lot of questions like "so what?" or "...and?"
i know this sounds like no biggie, but this pretty significant to me.

this is what i call a turning point in my life.
well, actually, the turning point in my life was when i said ' the only person i'm fooling is myself, off to the gym!'
and it is working out pretty well for me. slowly but surely.

self

2007-12-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

still can't wipe off that flirtatious smile of yours from my mind...
ah;all the possibilities.

damn.

JB-Singapore

2007-12-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

just came back from another trip.
this time with the VU gang to JB and Singapore for a 4 days 3 night "adventure"

ever since i came back and set foot on Malaysia's soil,
I'm feeling optimistic about my chances of NOT working in Malaysia.
despite the obvious competitive and highly pressured business environment, Singapore definitely opened my eyes to a new level of goals to achieve as well as opportunities worthy to be grabbed.

anyways, enough about money making ambitions.
on the trip;
it was okay considering this was the final trip I'm gonna have with the gang before they leave to Melbourne.
but the trip itself was messy, resulting from the lack of planning, miscommunication and our indecisiveness.

the highlight of our trip in Singapore was visiting VIVO city, S'pore river, Clarke Quay, Orchard Road, Bugis street and partying in Ministry of Sound (MOS) and getting wet and wild in "Wild wild wet theme park".

in JB, i was overwhelmed by my friends' generosity. i didn't get to take out my wallet even once in JB.
breakfast - dim sum, lunch- Bak Kut Teh, dinner- Paper wrapped herbal Chicken, bitchin' Kuey Teow T'ng for supper were all treated by my friends from JB. this is what i call a trip.

really thankful for a safe journey eventhough i'm broke.

not being able to meet up and have outings with 'The Gang" any time soon is going to be a tough one to sink in.
oh wells, have loads of other things to keep me busy. meeting up Kabir tomorrow. it has been a while;
cheers.

self

2007-11-26T19:03:00.000-08:00

a friend of mine who also serves in the cafeteria ministry in my church is working part time in a restaurant.
he's receiving really shitty pay i must say;

besides not complaining about it, he is actually contented with the fact that he can give more to the church and finally gets to treat his ministry members and probably his cell group members to a proper meal.

i think that's pretty admirable. now why isn't there a friend search site for these type of people.

l-o-s-e-r

2007-11-26T17:15:00.000-08:00

yes, i am

Penang and Langkawi (edited)

2007-11-23T02:07:00.000-08:00

i just came back from the MonashBusinessClub trip to Penang and Langkawi.
it was a good trip.
didn't expected too much as i went there less than a year ago.

got what i wanted out of the trip though.
this time around,
i caught up with Joanne who went Melbourne for exchange a semester ago;

i got to meet up with Nikki who happened to be in Langkawi with her friends;
i got to chill in Langkawi's most happening spot- Reggae House; again;
i got to meet a few new friends which are like the funniest people i've met in a long time;

despite the rubbish itenarary, it's all good... it's the company that counts eh.

currently experiencing the overwhelming-post trip feelings.
the laughter,
the people,
the food,
the freedom,
bah, every thing beats staying back at home. ~the nothingness~
oh well, i'm going to Singapore in less than a week. can't complain too much.

pictures! finally. hehe

Gurney Drive @ Penang

Raggae Bar @ Langkawi with Joezer, Nikki, GeHui, Hsien Yew

BBQ @ the beach

non island hopping- gang

With Doreen and Shuet Zin @ the Jetty

with Joanne =)

is it any wonder

2007-11-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

Is it any wonder I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
All these days
After all the misery made
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid
Is it any wonder that I feel betrade

[Keane's "is it any wonder" chorus]

dread

2007-11-07T07:02:00.000-08:00

it's 11pm here, i'm still in some tutorial room in university revising for my last paper.
this have been 'my space' for quite some time now.
with a personal desktop computer, projector and speaker here;
i do try to make the best out of my revision here...
entertainment available here definitely beats studying in the Library.

i've just declined my friends' invitation to have a drink with them.
it's Stephen's birthday.
usually i would feel obliged to. i call it 'give face' culture.
but this time, religious obligations prevail.
here i am, thinking about how my night life have deteriorated. but to think about it,
i have been the one who had decided not to have one despite the opportunities and temptations.

though i know i did the right thing, i just wished that it wasn't that hard to say no and feeling all bitter that i ended up in this tutorial classroom alone rather than having tons of fun with my friends and getting wasted in some happening place at the end of the day.

then again, i still have a paper to go. why the crap am i ranting about my desired night life?!
ow, i also declined another invitation to a different friend's party.

i'm officially living in a non-happening, dull, boring and dreadful world.
feels stupid living up to such high expectations when others but myself couldn't give a rat ass.
irony

self

2007-11-06T06:11:00.000-08:00

feels like something is missing
deprived from love.
deprived from pretentious love even.
deprived from shallow meaningless emotions. damn

still being so still

2007-11-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

it's my church's 2nd Arise and Build season for our building fund.
its the season to dis save or in church terms = give.
during this faith stretching period, i'm really expecting a spiritual breakthrough in my life.

but then again, the hunger for God's presence and the desire to grow in Him continually should be more than just what i expect in return for my giving.

i want to see things right.
before anything else, my giving should be focused on Building God's house and having the vision of a Revival happening in our time.

last season of Arise and Build, i dreaded, expected, then stretched and lastly received.
this season, i'm expecting once more.
because what seems impossible to me is possible for Him.

self

2007-10-31T05:53:00.000-07:00

in the midst of this exam.
i'm thinking about the Penang and Langkawi trip with Monash Business Club
i'm also thinking about how tight i'll be by the time i visit Singapore with my VU friends
i'm also hoping that i'll be refreshed and blessed during the upcoming CF Committee retreat
ow, not to mention to spend some quality time with my family during the Bangkok trip

erm, that's what i'll be doing during the long break.
will be a bummer for 1 last year.

2 more papers left, i shall get back with my revision.

self

2007-10-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

alot has been going on.
too much for me to handle, to be honest.
never really thought about all of it thoroughly until now,
thus the sudden realization of what I've just got myself into.

well, I've just accepted the position of Clubs and Societies representative for Monash Christian Fellowship next year. I feel honored to have this opportunity to serve as a committee in the CF buy yet feel stretched at the same time for the new responsibilities and commitments i will hold.
i do look forward for next year, it'll be new season for me to grow as a Christian.

Besides being the next CF CnS officer, i am also the next Funding Director for LEO club Monash.
as if that wasn't enough madness, i have just been voted as the next Monash Clubs and societies Division's secretary. that's right, secretary of all positions. This might look good in my job resume some day. But with all the obligations... i feel bumped out at the moment.

it's not that big of a deal whether i'll be able to cope with studies, church and now these 'extras'. the thing on my mind now is whether there's any significance in all theses 'events' or worst still, the possibility of this being purposeless in taking these steps of faith and it was all meant for nothing.

exams period.

2007-10-11T01:10:00.000-07:00

Lord have mercy on all of us.

self [updated]

2007-10-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile since i posted. well, one of the reason was the MUSA election.

i'm involved and yea...was pretty busy with the campaigning

if i am not careful with what i say here, the stuff i posted could be used against me.

don't ask me, that's just reality and it's Monash nature.

i just received an email from Monash, advicing student not to bad mouth about Monash and its lecturers and what not ...

TYPICAL.
'image and status' issues i presume.

my initial responce was "this must be a joke?" (in simple and non vulgar terms),

but peace is good too. who am i to rebel against them eh?

Monash the best. woohooooo!
(ikut aje people! suck up, kiss ass, whatever you call it...we want peace people!)

(change of topic)
Christian Fellowship blew me away this week. Sivin Kit (reverend of Bangsar Lutheran Church) came and spoke about POSTMODERNISM and POSTMODERNITY. it was a session that just opened my eyes and expanded my perception. more than one's mind could absorb, deep stuff indeed! will read up on it more lar (if i have the time), it's pretty interesting.

LAMP CAMP

2007-09-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

my mid-semester break has been incredible. first the ball, now this.
LAMP(Leadership through Adventure Program) Training Camp.

well, the name of the camp speaks for itself.
2 brutal days of non stop 'outbound activities' action.
some of the activities we (the Christian Fellowship Committee and KG leaders) experienced were rope course, mountain biking, orienteering and other team building games.

i'm physically drained, my legs are badly bruised and my upper body aches badly.
but hey, i'm not complaining.

for me personally, perseverance and courage was the main theme for the whole camp.
to climb a tree(huge ass tree i might add) with just a rope and some fancy equipments at my size, it is not easy. what pushed me to my limits was the encouragement of my fellow leaders.

the whole experience was a blessing to me, learning such practical ways in becoming a better friend, a more responsible leader and play a bigger role in the Christian Fellowship.
Besides that, i got to see some of the true colors of my leaders.
through the hardship we've been put through together, true characters including our strength and weaknesses were obvious.
My CF president said "the true flavor of tea can only be tasted when Hot water is used".

another amazing thing was that the team from MAPS (Ministry through Adventure Programs) came to train us voluntarily. 6 or 7 of them all together.
they had to take leave from their work in Kl, Penang and Singapore just to spend time with us and they do not get paid. their willingness and passion for the ministry is just awesome.

it's gonna be a tough on to get over. i'm still overwhelmed by how much i've gained in this camp. my perception of God's work, God's people and God's love has reached a greater level.

Monash Ball

2007-09-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

i'm assuming that you guys are assuming that i'm more excited to blog about the ball than my own birthday.
well, my birthday was awesome. countless wishes from close friends and those who i've had lost contact especially. i actually celebrated with my cell group members in cell group... so it was a home-ish type of thing.

the ball was everything i expected and more.
well, i actually went for the Monash Ball because i anticipated a quiet birthday... thus, the need to go some big event to satisfy my soul. haha. the best part was my Victoria University coursemates coming to the ball too.
so ya, i did my best to make time for them as well as my own table with monash friends. the same goes for the after party. i did everything to get both group of friends to the same place. and fortunately, that happened.
both sides did unmentionable things to me despite of my birthday being over.

[future update : hopefully pictures] =)

self

2007-09-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

i'm 20 on 20th.

its 20th. i'm 20! people.

simple prayer

2007-09-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

i'm a simple guy trying to achieve big things in my life.
well, not true.
i've always been someone who would settle for average.
results for me, is not the most important. as long as i gained some experience through the process... i'm a happy guy.

now, ever since i've been in KL. i've tried to aim for higher goals.
no room for error, no room for mediocrity.
in my case, its a matter of not disappointing myself.
i've experienced so much failure and disappointment when i was overconfident...
i'm beginning to put in much more effort into my work, 'spirit of excellence' they say.
so my constant prayer to God is that he does not give me wake up calls over and over again like before. because it does hurt my confidence in myself and in Him.
i just saw my 'trade and finance' midtest paper. erm, i think i got a near pass? i knew i screwed up. but still, not a position anyone wants to be in.

this ...was necessary. guess it was the alarm i was talking about.

joy

2007-09-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

2nd week in a row that my assignments due dates get extended. this is certainly good news.

it hurts

2007-09-07T00:09:00.000-07:00

my heart goes out to those who are broken.
those who build walls for what they lacked outside the walls in the first place;
those who feels no love;
those who feels that they are never good enough;
those who need yet not seek..
i've been there. it hurts. it really does. and seeing other people going through it.

decided

2007-08-25T19:45:00.001-07:00

i'm going to the Monash Ball.
like Milicent, this time around... i'm going with the "philosophy" of going in single.
i think that's a brilliant way to answer people who would ask me whether i have a date or not despite of knowing my chances of ever having that.

not an easy decision. but what the heck, time to prove that Monash is not all education. we know fun too!

intellectual people

2007-08-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

when was the last time someone said "did you know..." sounded like he genuinely wanted you to know something instead of letting you know what he knows.

self

2007-08-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

hiatus.

doing what is right.

2007-08-18T02:19:00.000-07:00

LEO Club Monash had a painting session in Rumah Ozanam's (an oprhanage home) living room this morning.

it was great ... for me in a sense that i could contribute something to the less fortunate children. Besides that, knew i was doing the right thing though it did clash with other obligation or commitment.

but hey, competing in a console gaming tournament for my cluster is not good enough for an excuse for me to skip the painting session. considering the video game tournament was being hosted by my church, there isn't much left for me to say.

however, i know myself and i know my priorities. i know my place and commitments towards the church but certain times it contradicts with the principles i hold.

Back to the painting session. it was all good. hoped we had spent more time with the kids though... we were painting their home when most of them weren't around...kinda beats the whole purpose of going there to showing our care and love for them.

met many new people, worked well with them -not all of them. but it's been a tiring day.

cheers.

beautiful stranger

2007-08-12T01:30:00.000-07:00

we should have done more than just giving each other the warmest smile
i could have asked for your name if i had the courage
i would want to remember this day for a long long time.

sigh. shoulda,coulda,woulda.

being me. being mean.

2007-08-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

my words. it often cuts deep. i have my reasons. i always do.
whether its an advice, an honest criticism or an expression of opinion,
my honesty has often been suggested of being rather blunt.

today i gave a piece of my mind to a certain leader.
of course without the slightest consideration of his credibility or even his 'authority'.
i guess that's what you get when a leader does not acts like one.
i did apologize to him in the car. i am human... I'm still capable of caring of one's feeling.

just a random thought.
to those church-y people who actually uses the phrase "liars go to hell" with a straight face...
i loathe you.

health

2007-08-06T20:12:00.001-07:00

i was at Subang Jaya Medical Centre.
Yep, hospitals... seems like the theme of my life right now.
but no, i was there to donate blood for a friend's friend.
they didn't allow me as i just recovered from dengue a month ago. the nurse said i needed at least 6 months.

well, at least i tried. and took the initiative. ngieh.

self

2007-08-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

had the best dream ever.
it was vague yet surreal.

it involved Scarlette Johansson..

well don't blame me. i didn't choose to dream of a celebrity, was totally out of my control.

it wasn't wet dream mind you. it was just a scene where she gave me a little sugar on my lips.
and yes, that was enough to make my day before i even got out from bed.

Me Likey!

self

2007-07-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

TODAY'S ADVERTISEMENT.
for those out there who never witnessed the scene of a castration or the process itself.
have i got the best news ever!
was watching HARD CANDY yesterday and the whole show was about this 14 year old teen being furious for the acts of a certain pedophile. Thus, she was determined to teach him a lesson by slicing off his balls and prevent him from repeating his disgusting routine.

ow, did it actually happened?
i wouldn't know. i freaked out. we all did.
i think it was the part when the innocent looking teen was sharpening some medical object...
i thought i could do it. i really did. but the scene would haunt me. hence my decision to stop.
but those who have balls (no pun intended), this is a show not to be missed.

self

2007-07-30T17:46:00.001-07:00

a must try.
Library opens at 8.30am sharp.
be among those who stand in line outside before 8.30am awaiting for doors to open.
the so called enthusiastic bunch
you will notice that you'd probably be the coolest looking person there.
*grins*

i'm such a bitch

2007-07-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

the title speaks for itself. sometimes i get so frustrated with situations i get myself into i become bitter. damn it, feel like kicking a puppy now!

*sigh*
on life at the moment.
well, i've been really busy with clubs and societies activities that i'm beginning to not know what my priorities are.

i bumped into Angela in Sunway Pyramid just yesterday. Thank God for such a coincidence to happen. she'll be on her way back to Melbourne tomorrow. and yeah, caught up with her along with our fellow schoolmates in ss15's Nasi Kandar including Andrew, Brian, Natalia and some others.

had drinking session with the VU gang after that till 3am.
woke up early to help out the LEO club monash's installation from 9am which ended approximately 4pm. i'm drained. i really am.

well, i'm currently riding on a guilt ride because i've been involved in activities that my church strongly discourages and as a Christian Fellowship KG leader, i'm actually not allowed to do it.
i guess i really lost my focus this past few weeks.

there's a certain extent of fluctuations one's faith can go. but the ups and downs i'm facing is borderline madness. one day i can be on fire for Him, another day i'm doubting the existence of my faith.

this sucks. i don't want my faith to be influenced by any man made hype.
i do not want to know that my passion for the word and for His name is only temporary.
i'm in the persuit of happiness in Him.
just by being in his presence. having the peace knowing of His grace and faithfulness.
actually caring about the simple things that matters most to Him.

self

2007-07-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

honest expressions...
"thank God it's friday" or " can't wait for friday"
well, looks like i'm gonna use these for this semester as it's my 'off' day.

i remember last semester the expression i used was "thank God friday's over" as it was long and dreadful. hated the lecture, lecturer and lecture hall. [maybe not so drama]

anyways, on the harry potter book controversy.

as an econs major student. i'm stuck... if you had given me this situation in an exam question and asked me to explain the cause of this mess, i would fail ... and probably hate harry potter for life.

the pre order price for the book was RM75-ish. now, that's the lowest the price that could go... since it's the cost price

hypermarkets are selling it RM69-ish while Major bookstores are selling it RM109-ish.

the excessive demand for the book causing the overly high price; i can understand
but the ridiculous discount given by hypermarkets is still a mistery.

one thing is clear. typical malaysians.
willing to wait in line early in the morning, outside bookstores trying get their hands on the harry potter book are the ones complaining about the cheaper prices offered in hypermarkets.

same situation.
those who are willing to pay RM12.90 for a frappacino in starbucks are the same people that are complaining about the increase in milo ice's price from RM1.30 to RM1.50.

typical malaysians. and how they love to ruining the ending of the book to everyone else just because another inconsiderate prick ruin it for them.

guess what, i don't care. i don't care if someone didn't die or if someone married someone else. i don't care even if i ruined it for some of you guys.

proud malaysian voicing out; now you know.

enemies

2007-07-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

if your enemy is about to have a showdown with you.
and he's about to fight you.

with him, he brings a baseball bat, a penknife just in case, and having his brother alongside him.
whats the thought that comes to your mind?

"ooh, my enemy is fierce and dangerous" ?
he has his reasons for having a baseball bat, he needs a penknife and his brother is there...
obviously, he's afraid of you. you're the dangerous one. you're the 'bad' one. make sense?

Bishop T D Jakes made it clear that our enemies define us. our test determines our ability to encounter it and either defeat or to be defeated.

lately, i've experienced my share of 'tests' and 'obstacles'. and the only explaination i could came up with was that God is doing something in my life.
the recent things that happened to me were just temporary and were there only to strengthen me and stretch my faith. God is waking me, shaking me and making me sharper.

looking forward

2007-07-15T04:42:00.000-07:00

break is over, right about now.
only thing i can do at the moment is to look forward for the new semester.
not much i can reminisce about this not so pleasant break anyways.
had a car accident,was hospitalized for dengue, failed a subject...
life could get better. it always can.

but i'm contented.

self

2007-07-08T04:33:00.000-07:00

I am starving.
but ever since i lost my apetite, everything has lost its taste.
i want to eat but i don't want to eat.

this is rubbish. so helpless. what did i do to deserve this.

sickness

2007-07-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

this break has been hell.
eversince i came back from Tawau, it's all downhill for me. never really left home because of health problems i've been experiencing.

this morning i woke up having two swollen bumps behind my ears...
my sis told me that it was mumps. i googled it and my symptoms matched it.
went to the clinic.

me:erm, would like to register.
nurse:doctor won't be here till late, what do you have?
me: mumps.
nurse:when did you have this?
me:well, i started having a severe fever on Thursday... it cooled off on Saturday but i still had a slight headache. i lost my appetite, I'm having muscle aches and this morning i found out i have to bumps behind my ears.
nurse: (looking at me with sympathy), oooh... this one... dangerous. you better go to klinik Sri Permai now.

Sri Permai was closed so my brother brought me to another clinic.

erm, good news... i don't have mumps. if not... if the virus got any more serious... both my balls would get swollen too. not to mention the rare case of brain damage and deafness.

i have 'viral infection'. can't do shit during this break. damn.

self

2007-07-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

i miss home.
i loathe this place.
the ridiculous inflation rates, the emptiness and repetitive lifestyle, the people in general...

Question : Why am i still hopeful and why do i continue giving my all in the things i do and in the people i surround myself?

Answer : 'thats what Jesus would friggin do'.

silent sigh

2007-06-30T04:17:00.000-07:00

back in KL,

fuck.

absent

2007-06-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

you know that awesome feeling of being in another place in a blink of an eye...
well, for me its 45 minutes drive to KLIA, 2 hours plane flight to Kota Kinabalu and that annoying 45 minutes transit there ...then another hour in the plane to Tawau.
but still, here i am... back home in Tawau at the comfort of my parents and being 'home'.
and just this morning i had my final economics paper! hah. the joy.

well, i can't imagine how hard it is for those who left to overseas. it's like one minute they're with their friends in KLIA's McD reminiscing about their bittersweet memories, another minute they are in a new country, new surrounding with overpriced goods. the pain.

ever since i left KL... there's not one phone call from any of my west Malaysia friends.
the peace, the escape... just what i need!
but i didn't know that i could easily have that just by not having a car. huh...
opens your eyes doesn't it. but it's all good.
i'm not the most willing person anyways. its a break i need.
*cynical face* ... if i were to be straight and blunt... i meant ' leave me alone.'

on a lighter note... much lighter i must say.
Tawau has been great. so far in the span of 3 nights, i have spent RM9.90 for a new toothbrush.
thats pretty much it. too much information?
well, i think its is a pretty significant detail to express my way of saying that i have the easiest of life in Tawau... imagine the savings i'd have if i stayed back in tawau in the future.
Food has been amazing. seafood as good as ever, not as cheap though... mom ordered lobster.
in your face brother and sis! hah!

anywhoo... greetings from Sabah! i'm out.

sunday morning

2007-06-18T05:44:00.000-07:00

everything was planned out.

first, pick up some kids to church

then to Starbucks to rush my revision...

and lastly, Planet shakers!

the day did not went as plan...

yeah. (silent sigh)

definitely did not plan to get crash when i misjudged on the 'stop-look-go' junction.

i think i got the orders mixed up, i ' go-look-shocked-crash-stop' instead. not fun.

my first experience in confronting the other party and going over to the police station to settle the insurance claim and what not.

i'm still troubled by this of course. the post accident ' what if ' syndrom just won't go away.

besides that, i still have to settle some documents and claims...
all this hassle in the midst of my exams.
not very helpful..

yet, i continue praying.

there's loads i can thank GOD for...

thank God that the dude that hit me wasn't some gangster or some rude local.

thank God the car that got damaged wasn't a sport car or some other fancy rides.

thank God my brother and Vincent was there with me during the whole process.

thank God that the process in the police station went smoothly. a little too smooth...

yep, it was concluded immediately that the accident was a result from My negligence. heh~

thank God i still made it for the Planet shakers concert.

thank God i'm still alive.

thank God for caring friends.

thank God that my focus is shifted to NOW instead of being distracted

thank God i'm not a P license holder... eh?

thank God for miseries... purposed to turn into ministries one day.

Let's pray that i'll be more careful next time.

Stay

2007-06-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

me and my movies selection.
in times of restlessness and confusion, I'm strucked by my movie preferences towards brain teasing and mind bending thrillers.

first it was ' 21 Grams ', then it was ' Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", now " Stay ".

its a very well 'made' movie starring Naomi Watts, Ryan Gosling and Ewan McGregor.
the catchphrase of the movie is pretty cool. "Between the world of the living and the dead, there is a place you're not supposed to Stay".

I love Ryan Gosling. since "Half Nelson"...
well, not really. hated the show, but his performance was still captivating.

it's been so long since i reviewed a movie... do i write out the movie synopsis? wait... what i do is criticize and criticize somemore. that's what i'd do. hmmm.

it's an old show and i assume noone is going to be influnced to watch this show even if i gave it a hell of a review. so yea, (thanks to Rotten Tomattoes' warning) i was indeed prepared for torture and confusion when i watched this movie. look who survived?! haha.

surviving the exams is another matter. here i am... reviewing a movie when my exams are still going on. 1 down, 3 to go; to be exact.

this... should be 'fun'.

self

2007-06-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

comfortable being with a friend without saying one word... thats the definition of a true friendship?

well, being comfortable in that situation is one thing.
being with a friend without saying a word and actually enjoying their company is another thing. no?

i don't know. with some friends, (sometimes) its just my preference to not have mindless and meaningless rants. thus being more comfortable in situation.

Extras

2007-05-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

extras are usually part time actors hired to work in the background of a movie.

you know how some people are aknowledge as 'Tiang Lampu' when they hang around a couple trying to spend quality time together? well, those are real life Extras.

Life...can be viewed in two opposite perspectives.

you can either see yourself as the main character in your life story ( and everyone else are extras) or you can see yourself as an extra in the other people's lives.

i see myself as an extra. a pretty darn good one. (just like how it is in the movies)

an extra... could be a pedestrian, an ordinary guy who happened to be in the lift, coffee shop, library, bus stop, beach, university campus, party or on the road...

if i had more to do, i might even play the role of being the dude on the plane holding up a newspaper or the guy in a bar drinking alone.

hack, i'll even be willing to play the role of a war victim in an epic film.

but at the end of the day, who gives a shit? who gives a shit about the wedding singer on their wedding? who cares about the nurses who were there to help out their loved ones? who remembers those but the war heroes that too risked their lives and served their country?

they are nothing more than just Extras.

there's an extent to the level of significance one life may have. cherish the lives that you have impacted or have impacted yours. coz that's all that matters.

self

2007-05-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

i admit. i am semi- worldly.

i'm comfortable with issues most Christians avoid.

i experienced most of the pre/non-believers' activities and found no true fulfillment in it.

yet, my heart is weak and continues to search for true pleasure in anything but God.

i'm sick and tired of the fact that i'm the only one among my peers to have religious obligations.

the expectations and the responsibilities as a leader is beginning to become a burden.

i blame the oversimplification of the word to cause my downfall...
words that are not uplifting nor inspiring.
words that emphasizes on prosperity as if that was the whole purpose of my faith.
(might as well worship Lillian Too)

the last time i was THIS negative was when i felt discontented about the Blog Craze in my church.

God rebuked me when i prayed that He would open my blind eyes and unlock the deaf ears.
He certainly did that... opening my eyes to how ignorant i was about the fact that blogs could actually reach out to the lost.

Now; however... i am dry. the sins i've commited has definitely caused a blow to my relationship with God. I know He has already streched His arms, waiting for mine... but i just won't hold.

i'm hoping that being 'semi-wordly' is different from being a 'lukewarm' christian.

it is finished!

2007-05-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

almost.

just completed and handed in all my assignments.
damn right, i'm over with them annoying shitload.

now... final exams. Judgement day begins.
preparation for end times... hmm...

well, lets just say i'll be the first one to be judged ... i'm doomed.
i haven't really started. and its 3-4 weeks away!!!
now... 3 -4 weeks away (for me) is not that near... in fact... there's no need to worry or even aknowledge that there's a flippin exam on its way.

but things have changed. 3-4 weeks away now means... why do i bother? its too late anwyays.
well, maybe not so dramatic... but its near.

i'm targeting for credits and above this time around. damn i miss VU.

self

2007-05-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

life...

can be engrossing, restorative, momentous, and elevating.

yet...
it can also be...

dispiriting and bleak.

i wish mine wasn't the latter, *silent sight*

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T03:08:00.000-07:00

i wish my heart was as big as my mom's.
i miss her.

listen

2007-05-11T03:37:00.000-07:00

no one really listens anymore.

appreciate every single second of silence as a person's response to what you've just told them; and hope that it was what you said that made them contemplated and wandered.

can you remember the last time someone actually stop, listen and then responded to your thoughts?

well, the situation where we're all too familiarised with is when everyone have their opinions and waits for the right opportunity to put in their two sense into the conversation. It surprises me sometimes of how such conversations could go on forever. when its anything but intellectual stimulating.

what's the bloody point of sharing your views when there's an implied mutual agreement where noone should give a damn.

i observe very attentively. i am a good listener.
thus, i know those who knows their stuff despite having the shortest attention span towards others beside themselves. and i know those who contribute nothing to a conversation unless its a no brainer.

all i ask for is a pause. 2 seconds. 3 seconds. at least respond to what i've said rather than being in constant thought of what to say next when i'm actually speaking. its disrespectful... and i feel that its a waste talking to such individuals.

time out

2007-05-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

ECX is killing me.
the name for this subject alone give students chill.
it prepare us to have an expectant heart for all we'll need to go through...
and trust me, it sure delivers/ in that sense.

Economics for Information Technology and E commerce...aka ECX
now know as Economics of innovation and high techonology.

i'm supposed to complete this 4000 words essay/ report on a company.
marks that will be given for the essay is 40% of my total marks. thats ALL of my internal. damn.

this is suppose to be intellectual stimulating. but instead i'm blasting benny benassi's club bangers to release my stress. no brainer stuff... good for the soul once in a while.

self

2007-05-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

i remember the frequent friendster messages i would send and receive from Angela (a long time secondary school friend)

i would tell her about anything including my weakness in driving and also my fear of KL wreckless drivers.

on one occasion, i think i was careless while another car was fast as hell...
no accident... just a " oi! " type of moment.

i asked my friend who was at fault? he told me that there really wasn't much difference as Malaysia had no law. i took comfort in those words.

i think i have been taking this too lightly these days.
i've been the wreckless one these few days. sigh
i hate ...me.

self

2007-04-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

refreshed. challenged. disturbed.

the Sunway Monash Christian Fellowship camp was awesome.

to be part of the intercessor group that prayed earnestly for God to move in the camp,
to be part of the camp committee to see how God's wisdom helped us pull through.
to be part of the Christian Fellowship gathered together to encounter God's touch,
to turn back from my old ways and return to his path,
to be thirsty and refreshed over and over again,
to reach out to those who are lost.

on reaching out..

a friend's salvation.
i know. we can't get our way all the time.
we do our best in convicting, we have faith in God to do the converting.

it's one of the easiest thing to "put down the subject" whenever our 'non-believers' peers gets uncomfortable with the "Christian Talk". we can't blame them for feeling that way.

but each time we "put down the subject", its another lost opportunity for a person to know God. for one to know the consequences of a loved one dying without knowing Him,
what excuses do we have?
do we justify ourself as being 'understanding' peers or closed ones...
being the person they want to accept? someone who will respect their ways and belief?

so often we are so concerned with our own lives, putting everything else above God's work.
making this temporary life our priority and satisfying it with anything else but Jesus.
there's so much more we can do... there are just some things that can't be taken lightly.

show some love

2007-04-25T03:26:00.000-07:00

today while i was on my way to the library, i stopped by the ATM to withdraw some money.
the ATM is located at the corner of my university's cafeteria.

the cafeteria was extremely packed and loud as the Monash University International Students Society had some elections going on. it was between two groups...'world' vs 'synergy'.

the 'world' group was having their performance first, so i went there without any hesitations. i stood out as one of the few malaysian crowd surrounded by a pool of international students.

there was this Bangladeshi -bollywood star lookalike- chic who performed with a guitar.
i thought it was pretty mind blowing. no one would have figured there was such a powerful voice underneath that sweet sweet smile of hers.

i've always been a sucker for bollywood stars look-a-likes. it a matter of taste which i still can't figure out. ANyways... the performance was great. but what impressed me more is the support she had from her committee members. they were cheering her name, singing along, giving her a standing ovations as well as giving her hugS (lots of em) after the performance. and that was in the cafeteria itself!

such love... such enthuasiasm...such a passionate bunch. i don't mind having such a crowd in my life...again. "companions"... those who are laid back, accepting, easy going, open minded, down to earth...such joy to hang out with. but they'rel only fit to be great company...nothing more :(

in disarray

2007-04-22T04:15:00.000-07:00

there's small dent on the left side of my car.

i haven't got a clue what i hit or rather ...what hit me.

i'm somewhat confused at this moment of time.

it's the same feeling a woman would get if she found out she was pregnant; not knowing who the father is.

*pause*... maybe not THAT drama...

It's the same feeling a guy might have if he found out he was going to be a dad despite the use of 'protection'.

*pause*... hmm. maybe not.

my point is. *silent sigh*

bang balls ... like how am i suppose to explain this to my dad now.

Genesis

2007-04-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

this conversation took place during our dinner session after Christian Fellowship

Richard : Hey, you read Genesis 1:20-28 arr...it says God created the birds, then the wild animals then only man right

Eddie: uh huh.

Richard : you continue reading Genesis 2 :18-19... God said 18“It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” 19 Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them.

Eddie : yea?

Richard: so which came first?

Eddie : oh... animals were created by God already. but when God saw Adam was lonely, he BROUGHT those animals to him to be named. Eve was then created while Adam was asleep.

Me : ooohh. ya horr. eh eh, you read Genesis 1:1 arr, it says God created the heavens and earth. after that only God said 'let there be light' right?... that means God created the heavens and earth in the dark! haha

Linnette: No...

Eddie: noo !~ Gen 1:1 was an overview... verse 2 started explaining the creation of the earth in details. not subsequent events.

Me : (Thoughts) ish. my joke kena potong steam.

Richard : why was man created last arr...?

Eddie : So that man would have nothing to do with God's creation and cannot say that they played a part in it.

Me: that made sense.

Chien Aun : (changing subjects) different bibles have different translations and intrepetations... it's inevitable if any passages losses it's original meaning and significance. the hebrew version is the most accurate.

Eddie : but the significance of any pessages for us should be intepreted via the holy spirit.

Me: yeap. with the discernment of the holy spirit... a passage in the bible can reveal so much to us under whatever circumstances we may be in.

*conversation ended due to the arival of our food*

randomness

2007-04-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

on the massacre that took place on Virginia Tech campus

the gunman was apparently a disturbed korean dude.
his anger and bitterness eventually caused him to snap and started a rampage.

He was an English major. He had submitted two extremely twisted plays prior to this incident.
well, i had the opportunity to read his 'work'. it was pretty interesting though poorly executed.

his first play was about the conflict between a teen and his stepfather. the teen was a rebellious child which was in denial of his father's death and had a strong desire to kill his stepdad. He incorporated real life stories such as the Michael Jackson's neverland ranch incident as well as the controversial issue involving catholic priest as insults used by the teen to accuse his stepdad as a child molester. the tone he used was extremely violent and the ways he thought of to kill off a character was " different ". but again, his standard of english as a student majoring in English becomes questionable. second play written was rather pointless and gross.

anyways, that was my take. it was supposed to sound sophisticated and deep.
if it wasn't, let's all agree that its the intention that counts. haha.

i was reading through CNN.com on this developing story and one of the korean dude's classmate blogged about his thoughts on the incident including his take on the korean dude's weird behaviors.

it was an emotional and honest post about losing some of his close ones and not knowing why this could ever happened.
the first comment on his post was a judmental remark on his level of english. i thought that was funny. then the 2nd comment onwards was a chain of reply to the insensitive blog reader who cared more about the level of english rather than the trajedy itself.

that made my day. haha ...the simple pleasures of life.

break

2007-04-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

had a break from college for the whole of last week.
a well deserved one in fact ( debatable)
wasn't the most productive week for me, i must say.
but that's probably what made it so great.

to escape from the student's life and all its competitiveness and pressure.

anyways, it's about time i thank the Lord for a brand new car.
i must admit, i'm not the biggest fan of the prosperity gospel.
but i'll make an exception this time.
the fact that i'm actually driving is a breakthrough as i'd still be fearful of driving without Him.
well, i'm in still in the process of learning to have complete faith and courage.

i have been practicing ( self-refreshment- course) this whole break.
and for a guy who comes from the land of friendly drivers and roads with not more than 2 lanes.. [good ol' Tawau]

i just realized that i'm still having a fear, the fear of KL drivers.

getting a car never seemed 'likely' in all my 3 years stay in Sunway.
my dad never trusted me with a car
my brother's still bitter about it. disapproving of this since day one.
so yeah, it means alot to me... to own a car and having the opportunity to drive.

the car has been a blessing, no doubt. but i miss being in my comfort zone.
my whole lifestyle is beginning to change where i no longer depend on people's timing, bugging my friends and now even having obligations as a 'driver'.

it's been an overwhealming week.

anyways, i must get back to work. all my assignments due dates are beginning to surprise me... not so pleasantly.

fear

2007-04-12T00:23:00.000-07:00

who am i kiddin?
I'm still afraid.

self

2007-04-09T05:43:00.000-07:00

heard the phrase "you're just a friend, nothing more"?
usually used by females to reject their guy friend (in the nicest way they can think of)
fact: 'platonic friendships' don't exist.
guys tend to fcuk things up and make things awkward for themselves.
[i'd put up walls if i had to, anything to not risk a friendship]

however, the term "just a friend" to me means something totally different.
it means that you are nothing more [literally]
it means to live a life of insignificance,
to lead a life that will make no impact,
to be a blessing to no one,
to be replaceable,
to be 'just a friend'.

the thought of me being judged, compared or even categorized breaks me inside.

no compromise

2007-04-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

rebuking someone with the word of God is one thing...

making a friend feel rotten for the simple reason that they deserve it is another thing.
i am one honest prick who isn't afraid of being honest and telling it as it is.

as sarcastic as i am, i prefer to tell them in their face using harsh words with the intentions to cut, to sting and to build any individuals who needs to wake up and change for the better.

if you are in my position...
and someone actually tells you " i can't believe you just said that "
respond to them saying " someone had to "

The Cross

2007-04-06T17:02:00.000-07:00

Crucifixion for slaves, rebels, pirates and especially-despised enemies and criminals was considered the most shameful and disgraceful way to die.

In Roman-style crucifixion, victims take days to die slowly from suffocation (caused by the victim's blood-supply slowly draining away to a quantity insufficient to supply the required oxygen to vital organs)
The dead body was left up for vultures and other birds to consume.

The goal of Roman crucifixion was not just to kill the criminal, but also to mutilate and dishonour the body of the condemned
(source- wikipedia)

"the cross" was how the Romans display their authority; threatening anyone who dared to defy them.

it took one man to change that...
ever since Jesus' crucifixion, "the cross" have became a symbol of peace, grace, hope, forgiveness and life.