Thursday, October 27, 2005

[ a group of friends were revising in a 'new found' really cozy area in my college campus, i join them and study abit too. My friend ( sitting in foyer) was suppose to give me a ride home... so i went to find him when he told me that his mom was arriving.]

before his mom came...
friend in foyer : why you went and find them?
me : why?... cannot meh?... friends mah. then tell me why i find you?
friend in foyer : because you need to go home.
me : Oh!!! like that larr (both laughing out loud)

although it was a joke, i was abit offended.
its as if he do not appreciate my genuine intents in our friendship.
he isn't completely off...

[thoughts] user friendly friends? friends with benefits? this how friendship works nowadays?

On 9:24 AM, Victor let go.
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Examination period is just around the corner...
this might not be the best time to feel exhausted... but i am.
i have no freakin' idea why .
i wouldn't mind feeling burned out but i have no reasons to be...
i havent started 'cramping' in my revisions...
this i have a reason ...-> i'm tired. haha...
i'm too tired to be burned out? ... WTF?

-pray more people!- Vic is too hopeless to do this on his own!

On 1:53 AM, Victor let go.
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Monday, October 24, 2005

i was emotional when i realized how pressured i was.
studying in AusMat was definitely one of the biggest step i took in my life.
(besides accepting Christ)
with no idea what stress meant during my time in Tawau
( was a huge slacker, didn't give a rats what was going on, hung out with unproductive crowd)
studying AusMat has really changed my view on many things.

i am the only one among my siblings that do not have a guarentee of entering a University.
they studied in MUFY- the costly but easy way to Monash U-
its kinda rediculous to think about it, i was always the slower one among the 3 of us.
and for me to take up this challenge was... idiotic.

my standard + tougher foundation course = bad results.
bad results = dissapointment + no future.

HOWEVER, i am feeling optimistic. revision had begun. finding the mood to study ONLY in college.
so... pray people!~

On 7:00 PM, Victor let go.
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Sunday, October 23, 2005

i know now...
that i am not alone in running 'The Race'.
knowing God will be by my side the whole race has given me a sense of relief, a boost in faith and a new passion for Him.

On 10:22 AM, Victor let go.
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Life's Cycle.

Upswing,Downswing,Peak and Trough ;
These are the stages of a business cycle.
business cycle = life cycle. thats what i think. At this very moment, Mine is going downhill all the way.
Studying in Monash University next year becoming doubtful and slowly fading away.
My results (average) could not be worst with my mocks being fucked up~
Oh how foolish of me to think that...
i failed my last topical test for accounts; my only hopeful subject in AusMat this year.

Feeling disturbed about my future.
feeling bitter with my results.
The rage; i am pissed.
never felt so calm -ever- when being this pissed.
i didn't shout/ curse;
i didn't take my frustration out on other people [the thought of hurting another, being moody around people]
maybe this time around... i am clueless of what to do. I have dissapointed my parents. I have dissapointed my lecturers. I fucked up. no turning back...

i have no ending for this post. i am neither feeling optimistic nor pessimistic.

On 5:30 PM, Victor let go.
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Tuesday, October 18, 2005
back to college

Last week might be the most refreshing and satisfying break i ever had. Eventful actually.
The more significant events would be hanging out with Richard and Kevin in tha mall, we sure know how to pamper ourselves-once in a while-.
Besides that, i spent quality time with my father when he was here -eventhough it was a few days-
Lastly, i chilled at home most of the time and played with my newly modified- PS2.

alrighty then, back to college.
not the best feeling in the world; taking back mocks result.

the 1 line i can use for my results this time around is... ' whoah, Holy Crap! '
first paper i got back was account, i was pleasantly surprised to get 73%
sad to say, it was all downhill from then on.
4 other subjects i failed.
yep, big F label on my head where ever i go... holy crap indeed.

On 8:29 PM, Victor let go.
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Sunday, October 16, 2005
all because of laziness. [bad excuse]

all this while, i've been strong... i've been counting on Him...I've been passionate.

something must had happened to change this. Its as if i am in a 'halt' mode in a marathon.
i am now being a water distributer to other runners. (ever encouraging to christians and being observant about other christian's walk). That's what i am- or becoming.

pastor Linda talked about ~ The View~ at the end of the race.
supposed to be a time of reflection on how we lived while we were here.
I reflected... >>blank<> this is so every enemy i made in this life would forget about the stuff i did to them<< haha./

[thoughts] . i am loving the new craig david album.
i am not thinking about love..
i am not thinking about my blurry future.
i am thinking of my obstacles in my road to recovery =spiritually=

[update][2 days later...]
I am thinking... all this happened because i was lazy. quite simple actually. this problem is solved.

On 11:44 PM, Victor let go.
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Saturday, October 15, 2005

i NEED someone to talk to. yet i don't see the point doing so.
i WANT to be alone. yet all i NEED is someone to listen and understand.
i AM lost. -spiritually-

a christian life is just like a marathon; thats how my church put it.
we often face hurdles(obstacles:temptation/immoral desires/laziness/stress)
and as a christian, we are suppose to jump over those hurdles with faith//
finish the marathon (complete our walk with Jesus) //
and receive 'The' reward.(heaven)

i don't see any hurdles.
yes. i am not getting any load of crap in my life at the moment.
thats because i am not even running that race anymore...
its as if i have given up already.

is it still called 'backsliding' if someone know he is back sliding?

On 2:20 AM, Victor let go.
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Thursday, October 13, 2005
plan B

i was dissapointed that someone special to me called off our 'date'. meeting this person would be a highlight of 2005 for me. anticipation was high but not as high as a few previous times. (meeting was planned more than once;called off more than once). Instead of feeling depress, i tried to call some other friends that i have almost lost contact with. They were no super sub(plan b), but they too were special to me.

simple meeting with movie and loadz of chatting. All went well and i have a feeling of contentment.

i am craving for BurgerKing French Sandwich.
i long to be alone and stay connected with my emotional side. Emo Bands are really doing it for me nowadays; their songs mostly consists of shouting and soft talking to themselves.
i am confused on my future. and my present college life.
although i plan to fast and pray for directions...

[confession] i have lost my passion for God. i am lost.

On 11:00 AM, Victor let go.
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Monday, October 10, 2005
sick of myself?

Are my Tawau friends being undervalued? ; or are they really not worth my time~
i have a guilt for feeling disgusted or turned off when meeting typical hometown boys of mine. their narrow minded way of life; they have no direction in life-and they don't bother to do anything about it. conclusion~ i get sick by looking at people who reminds me of myself.

On 10:30 PM, Victor let go.
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livin la vida loca

clubs are the one place we get to see the different side of many. the desperate side of them that wants to be exposed. Its the place where a person's mask could be taken off or put on.

The rush of ridiculously loud music for one's hearing; the blinding laser lights for one's sight; the smoky smell for one's smell; the wallet emptying booz for one's taste ; the dirty dancing for one's touch... what better way to utilize a person's sense to the maximum?

[confession] last night chilled out with friends. first club was relaxing and just nice place to hang out. the dancing only started when we went to the second club. I flipped out in that club, there was a big screen (projected) with a picture of someone taking X. repeating images of a tounge taking in 2 pills... over and over again as the loud music was bangging throughout.

On 11:00 AM, Victor let go.
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Saturday, October 08, 2005

its as if i am experiencing buoyancy; a feeling of excitement towards the days of my short break.
into the second day of my holiday, although i procrastinate the studying i have to do for my upcoming finals... i am having an expentancy for a rather fruitful week.

On 12:30 PM, Victor let go.
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starting fresh

new blog. new site.
a more personal and detailed insight of my perception and approach on my life in this foredoomed world that faces depravity.

On 2:00 AM, Victor let go.
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