Monday, July 14, 2008
bittersweet

a day after i found out about my result, i went to my course management office for advice on how to deal with my results and also about the details on whether i could apply for a 'Near Pass' for my failed subject.

if you guys didn't already know, dealing with the course management advisers is just not advisable;
they are rude, snobbish and very 'Monash'.

[situation]

Me: Hey, i would like to apply for a NP for one of subject... how do i go about doing that?
Lady: you must be in your final semester to apply for a NP. if you're enrolled before 08', you can apply NP for 2 subjects.

Me: ah, meaning before i graduate and if this 1 subject is stopping me from graduating...only i apply?
Lady: Yes, only after you get your final finals result...its actually printed on that notice over there *points over the notice board in the office*

Me: *jokingly* wah, so much words.
Lady: That...is call lazy. *not a smile*

friend1: meaning what? we cannot apply now?
Lady: Its online. you can read from there...

friend2: hmm, what do i need when i apply?
Lady: Everything is online! i know playing online games are fun and all...but...

---This is where i stopped the lady's unnecessary sarcarsm---

Me: Eh! can you learn abit of patience when dealing with the students?!
*continues with an aggresive tone*
We come to you guys for assistance...*stutters*..Can you not talk like that to us?!
I then mumbled "You Are Paid to Talk to the students!" before i stomped out from the room.

Honestly, it felt great giving the Monash course management adviser a piece of my mind. But more importantly, i felt great that i have toned down my aggression. I said what was needed to be said without cursing or saying things like " If all i need is a reminder that i can get the information online, just put up a notice and stop pretending being useful in front of me"...

but just realized that i need to go through them to apply my NP in the future.

shit.

Thursday, July 10, 2008
Self

God was right.

i'll be fine.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008
self ( more reflections from camp)

i am contented.

the speaker of the camp challenged us the write down the epitaph of our future tombstones to represent what we've achieved so far /how we lived our lives or what we expect to achieve in the future.

the typical epitaph would be "he lived a fulfilling life, great husband to xxx, loving father to xx1 and xx2" and stuff like that which you would expect to summarize a person's life.

mine would probably be " He did not die a virgin "
jokes;

back to all seriousness, i wrote in my grave that i'd one more year to live.
anticipating my death at 2009, i had the chance to reflect on what i could have done differently such as the unspoke words or my past mistakes.

honestly, i wouldn't change a thing. i was always a generous and genuine friend; i was always an honest son to my parent; loving brother to my siblings; servant to God; an impact to few lives. but for now, that is probably... "enough". i take comfort in knowing that i've lived my life this way; and all my effort spent on my priorities were 'worth it'.

(other thoughts)
results are out in less than 24 hours time. God has been telling me that "it is fine to fail", so yea... i am kinda ready to accept whatever that comes my way. was i not just saying that i'm okay with dying next year? results shouldn't matter! haha... as if.

life goes on. sigh

Friday, July 04, 2008
MCF Camp 2008

Self (one of my many reflections from camp)

Christine Lean,
you are my sweetest downfall;
the only reason why i can still put a face into your name is because i used to loathe you.

you were the girl who broke my spirit;
you were the girl who showed me that i wasn't good enough and hard work does not always pay off;
you were a great leader who once earned my respect;

you were beautiful, often a distraction to me;
i actually thought i was your favourite once; a 'self imposed'- false hope i suppose.

but after being on probation for a few months being on duty in SALC (English Language Centre) during my form 1 days, you picked the suck ups instead of me.

i always thought that was a bias decision. i ended up quiting when i had a chance to continue being on probation.
things haven't really changed much ever since.

i flight in situations whenever there are barriers i cannot handle.
i bitter-ly hold grudges on leaders who lacks integrity.
the equation of hard work equal success no longer existed, my efforts and my time seem pointless at times.

after reflecting on the significant events that took place in my life and how it has affected me till today,
i choose to forgive you Christine,
i has been too long and i think its about time i let go.
by the grace of God, i AM good enough.